Archive for category Chuck Norris

Date: January 11th, 2006
Cate: Chuck Norris

Chuck Responds – but not with a roundhouse kick

In responce to the “random facts” that are being generated in the Internet

I’m aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as “Chuck Norris facts.” I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, “Against All Odds?” They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, “The Justice Riders,” released this month. I’m very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

We love you Chuck.

Date: January 7th, 2006
Cate: Chuck Norris

Chuck

From today’s Age:

Why, in short, a guy who never uttered more than three consecutive lines of dialogue and tended to solve contentious military and law enforcement issues by, um, kicking people in the head?

Moreover:

Chuck Norris can bend irony into balloon-animal shapes.

Date: December 16th, 2005
Cate: Chuck Norris

…more Chuck

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

Date: December 2nd, 2005
Cate: Chuck Norris
1 msg

…maybe a little be carried away

I’m not sure quite what this says about Wikipedia but I swear this is directly copied straight from the Chuck Norris entry:

By the close of the 1980s, Cannon Films had faded from prominence, and Norris’ star appeal seemed to go with it. He reprised his Delta Force role for MGM, who had acquired the Cannon library after the latter’s Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Norris went on to make several more largely ignored films before making a transition to television. Chuck Norris then decided to make a vibrator that resembled his penis. The result was a baseball bat strapped to the end of a jackhammer. In 1993, he began shooting the series Walker, Texas Ranger, which lasted eight years on CBS and continued in heavy syndication on other channels. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Unforuntately, within seconds of me reading this is was fixed up.

Update: ok, just a little bit more

Date: December 2nd, 2005
Cate: Chuck Norris, Comedy
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The Truth about Chuck Norris

After reading the following I’m seriously considering giving this blog a Chuck Norris theme

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in “Chuck Norris” you get “Huck corn,sir.” That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.” then you are dead

Who da man:

(I don’t know where this came from and am fully aware that it is totally lame to post an email I recieved, which turns out to be a conglomeration of a whole lot of forum posts, but god damn it’s funny)

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