Can there ever be enough Chuck?
(Apologies if I’ve repeated myself or if this is getting tedious – but surely it isn’t.)
Aliens do exist, they’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to “fucking.”
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who shit, and Chuck Norris.
In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris’ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson’s disease.
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn’t was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and ____ on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk’d. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Rocks learned from Chuck Norris how to be hard.